Lovely Lovely West Lothian.

West Lothian is the place I grew up.
A fairly unremarkable splatter of council estates, new build schemes, green belt villages, pound store high-streets, super markets and shopping centers. When I meet someone that hasn't heard of our post industrial retail paradise I mention four things:

Livingston Skate Park 

Pictured: My Teenage years

Livingston 'Centre' - which is the retail equivalent of Frankenstein's monster

Two of these car parks high lighted are now shopping units.

'Jewel of the Nation the Planet the Universe' Susan Boyle

She's had her hair done since then.

Or this Frankie Boyle joke (skip to 22s)

  

Oh and some dude with stupid hair.

 

It's unfair of me to pose this as our only recognisable cultural output but it adds a bit of flair to the "It's just in between Edinburgh and Glasgow" catch all statement. Although I do find myself wondering what exactly is its cultural worth and does somewhere like West Lothian even need it? Or even want it?
I've always felt West Lothian as slightly menacing, almost like being part of a giant angry dysfunctional family - everybody knows one another, everybody loves one another and everybody wants to punch one another. The architecture is also mildly schizophrenic. Strange mixes of 19th century Art Noveau, industrial era social housing, misplaced Modernism right up to our new builds. You can walk down a town street and see a brief history of Scottish architecture; all growing upon each other like concrete and timber fungus.
Some of it can be rather beautiful, sometimes there is a greater sense of community and with it, pride. Also I've experienced a political awareness within a lot of the community, which I seriously think of as a positive.

It's the standard fair for any Scottish town-ish constituency I suppose, little bit of bad and little bit of good.

But what I'm trying to get across is West Lothian is basically pretty grim and certainly wouldn't consider it a tourist destination. There's places to visit surrreee but compared to Edinburgh or Glasgow, Glencoe or Loch Lomond, the Highlands and Islands - I wouldn't hold my fucking breath.

So imagine my surprise when my eyes fell upon this little brochure

My fucking breath was held.

HAHA. Well my day was made. I never would've imagined they'd actually do it. Hell, maybe they've been selling West Lothian to tourists for years and I just didn't realise. I pity who ever has the job of making this brochure.

A couple things caught my eye. A lot of things caught my eye actually.

At least they indicated the grim as fuck skyline.

Hold on, Central Scotland's Playground? Central Scotland's PLAYGROUND? Way to sell us out guys. I know this is meant to be, like "Hey, bring your kids" but frankly it sounds a bit demeaning.
As if Lanarkshire occasionally pops round to beat us up and drink MD 20/20 behind the Co-op.

'Daddy, why?' 'Just don't look into it's eyes sweetie.'

Also again I know this is for families - but, well there's a few things here. Firstly, is this what we choose to represent West Lothian? A distinctly average family smiling at us. Like they're better than us.
"Look at us floating on a lake, smiling, in front of a fucking massive house, even though we're distinctly average."
But wait! They're not average.
Because - well - That fucking kid's head is massive and seems to be floating menacingly just inches away from this family. I actually wondered whether this UFO head was photo-shopped in. In fact the longer you look the more out of place it looks. Maybe the family has grown it out of their own heads in some sort of mad genetic accident? A shit ghost? Who knows.

So you turn the page in the need to learn more of this mysterious floating child head. The tension has built me up. I can barely concentrate on the five things I didn't know about West Lothian. 
The happiest place in Scotland? Fuck off. If this is the happiest place in Scotland, then it has the running to be one of the happiest places in the world, and if this is the peak of human enjoyment... I best just top myself right now.

Over the page and...

Please Visit - Buy Stuff

Well at least they know what the people want and what people want is to buy stuff. I mean shopping at Livingston is apparently an experience worth traveling three and a half hours for.
Maybe I don't appreciate shopping as much as I should - I should be grateful for the minimum wage job opportunities granted by the retail and service industry so close to me and all these products at LOW LOW LOW prices. Perhaps growing up so close to retail units has disillusioned me to the wonder of it all.
I'll never know the true joy of buying stuff.

Not me

I suppose what irks me about The Centre is how it says nothing of West Lothian; it is a kind of simulacra, a desert of the real, a creation that represents nothing but a shopping experience. There is a total lack of anything local aside from Schuh, a bakery and a hairdressers. You could go on your day trip to Livi and wouldn't be able to discern anything about the place or surrounding areas. The true identity of the place is hidden behind illuminated shopping signs and glossed high-street restaurants.
That's the experience people want though: they want to fucking purchase cheaper jeans or nice perfume - not all the heavy shit of the locals and their back story.
BUT(TS) I would argue that essentially tourism - and this is a tourist brochure - is meant to be cultural. A cultural exchange where the tourist enriches their experience of the world whilst spending a little bit of money to the benefit of the local services. Obviously it's a big industry. However this isn't so much a cultural endeavor as more of a "Come buy stuff please" stated directly after the index page.

 

I'm glad to see that violence has been addressed. Either you can shoot bits of clay, shoot your friends or - if you prefer to take your anger out on yourself - throw yourself down a hill at speed in a giant ball. 

Also 'Zorbing'. That's a word now.

Sadly it fails to mention other exciting activities such as joining a local youth team, throwing bricks at public transport and recreational drug use.

Gaze across to places you'd rather be.

I've been to Cairnpapple. It's name means either Cairn of the tent, Cairn of the people, or Cairn of the eye; Cairn meaning 'a pile of rocks'. So if a big pile of rocks filled with human remains on top of a hill is your thing. Well rock knock yourself out.

Actually I can't even remember why I singled this one out. Linlithgow is actually pretty nice.

An alternative to Bathgate when taking your badly cut pills.

 One thing that we all need more in our lives is glow in the dark mini golf.

I thought this was just the main road?

When I seen this I thought 'well they've messed up there, using a stock photo of a bear. There's no bears in West Lothian' but I googled it out of interest - They do have bears! Three of the big bastards! 

brb going to Five Sisters Zoo.

Rightttt correct me if I'm wrong but in December, is it not Christmas everywhere? Like, it's a bit presumptuous to claim the holiday for Bathgate and Broxburn alone?

Fucking greedy bastards. 

Anyway.

 

VISIT WEST LOTHIAN

VISIT WEST LOTHIAN

VISIT WEST LOTHIAN

PLEASE COME TO WEST LOTHIAN 

WE HAVE BEARS

Don't take any of this too seriously.