A Bazillion Things To Do In Scotland Before You Fall Into the Ever-Widening Abyss

Pure shite man.

Scottish? or visiting Scotland? Here's a list of shit you can do to froth into your eye-bits. 


-Piss yourself at a bustop.

-Stare at some cows in a field.

-Stare at some sheep in a field.

-Stare at nothing in a field.

-Drink Irn Bru and Iron Brew simultaneously to work out the subtle differences in taste.

-Listen to an old man with a barely functional voicebox tell you his life story in a bar that smells of lost hope.

-Go to a shopping center.

-Listen to people complain about wind turbines.

-Vote Yes and lament.

-Vote No and lament.

-Stare in wonder at Nicola Sturgeons stupid fucking hair. 

-Get annoyed at tourists.

-Make jokes about deep fried food.

-Eat deep fried food and fucking love it you hypocrite.

-Listen to people use the word 'Cunt' a billion times in casual conversation.

-Find genuine stereotypes.

-Become a genuine stereotype. 

-Get into a fight.

-Stand at the top of a hill in the pouring rain staring at other hills.

-Set an abandoned car on fire.

-Join an Orange Lodge march. 

-Start smoking twenty a day

-Get glassed because of your second name.

-Get glassed because of the football team you support.

-Get glassed because you don't really follow football.

-Get glassed because you're in the wrong place at the wrong time.

-Alternatively glass someone yourself - horribly disfiguring someone for life to satisfy the warped sense of spiteful justice you've developed over the years.

-Get vaguely annoyed at the English.

-Look at the old people shambling up and down the streets.

-Freeze your tits off in the sea.

-Go to another fucking shopping center.

-Visit Wick.

-Wonder why you visited Wick.

-Leave Wick.

-Visit Jimmy Savilles old house in Glencoe to see if there's any fresh graffiti.

-Douse yourself in the atmosphere of self-pity and loathing.

-Wow at the signs having Gaelic on them despite none of the local population actually speaking it.

-Be amazed when you meet someone that actually speaks Gaelic.

-Get fucked on whisky. Or any readily available alcohol really.

-Smile and laugh and fall in love and be happy for the rest of your days

-Wake up.

-If you're in Aberdeen talk about the oil industry constantly.

-Regret camping.

-Sacrifice a loved one at Roslyn Chapel to get to level 2.

-Say to yourself 'Why the fuck would anyone live here?' at any given time and location except posh bits in Fife.

-Go to St Kilda and be unsurprised that no-one lives there anymore.

-Go to yet another fucking shopping center.

-Enjoy the zero hours of sunlight in the winter months.

-Enjoy the zero hours of sunlight throughout the rest of the year.

-Become incredibly bitter despite living in a country that some people would consider a utopia compared to their own.

-Have a good moan about Thatcher.

-Have a good moan about Blair.

-Have a good moan about Cameron.

-Have a bloody good moan about everything.

-Stare off into the middle distance and say "Aye" loudly - half as a sigh. Particularly when a conversation is lulling.

-Be strangely proud yet disappointed constantly. Giving you a firm footing in understanding Duality.

Think of any yourself? Well keep them to yourself you entitled prick.